Temporary

After I wrote the previous entry, I decided it's time for a break. Shit's been a little dark in my head this month. I've been stressing myself out over all these words I want to write, all these projects I've come up with and all the deadlines I've assigned myself -- when I don't finish something in a matter of days, I get this awful darkness over my head and I can't snap out of it. I just sit there and think about how little I've done. I stay up all hours of the night staring at sentences that I want to believe in, but none of them seem to have any motivation of their own, and I don't have any to lend them.
I thought I had given myself plenty enough time to recover from my stint as a full-time writer, but now I'm pretty sure I haven't even started.
What I've been doing is experimenting with madness, on a level that feels far more serious and permanent than any darkness in my past. Depression is not something I've ever been good at, but I'm looking at it eye-level right now, and I finally understand how it's possible to stay in this state indefinitely. It's almost addicting to watch the world swirl around me while I sit still, waiting for it all to mean something...waiting for something to strike me enough to stand up and join the party.
And I know better than that. I've seen enough people in this state to understand that the thing I'm waiting for won't happen if I'm not standing up to look for it. I understand that waiting for the world to strike me is more selfish than sad, and that depression is what grows in the absence of awe. And jeez, there's just too much of that around me to justify my hiding in the garage this month, claiming a lack of inspiration.

I might still find it in me to write a blog entry here and there, but I won't be writing anything else, nor working on any of the dozens of giant writing projects I've been stockpiling. I just have to turn the lights on for awhile.