20 October 2010

Day two of No Toilet. Sometimes I feel that my life is a Seinfeld episode. LOLtastic. I just had to drive to Cracker Barrel to poop. AHAHAHAAHAHHAthisislaaaame

09 October 2010

First World

Not a day and a half goes by, and most of my first-world problems have evaporated, or tended to themselves. The check didn't bounce. I'm not dwelling on the mess I used to be. I got to the bank in time. I wrote my cousin a heartfelt note detailing why exactly I would not be attending his wedding (entirely due to finances and not being able to afford taking off work for 3 weekends in a row). I'm getting enough sleep, eating well, and am not pregnant. The magazine I over-committed to, seems to have...gone under; it's October 9th and still no October issue, and no contact from the editor in a month.

It's rare, but I do love when my problems evaporate. Still want to leave, though.

07 October 2010

Shame

October is to be celebrated. Usually here in the dirty south, the climate gets mixed up and forgets that it's supposed to be autumnal outside, but this October is different. LA finally figured it out, but the cold snap feels... foreboding.

I've enjoyed having my windows open, yes. Have I been basking in the noon sunshine-breeze combo? For hours. But the unnaturalness of this season has been getting to me, along with impending clashes of multiple personal relationships, over-committing my time in all of my endeavors, my sister's impending marriage on the 23rd (and all of its accouterments, including shoes, hair, dress, jewelry, makeup, bachelorette party, gifts) and generally feeling like I can't afford my life, even though I've chopped out almost everything I used to dump my money into. Shit, I wrote a check for rent and it could bounce at any moment. The double tomorrow should take care of that, but if my landlord decides to go to the bank tomorrow morning, then I get to make one of the most embarassing phone calls ever.

My life dug a hole and I've been dancing around it with my fingers crossed.

On the bright side, I have somehow dropped 25 pounds since June. I'm 5'2", so it shows like a strip club in a neighborhood. It has been really dramatic, and hard in a way, because when I run into someone I haven't seen for awhile, they make a point to say something to the effect of, "You look great! You really let yourself go for awhile." And yes, I did, but in ways that those people don't know. It's a constant reminder that I spent a long time replacing myself with habits and junk and people that didn't make me happy. I'll come to terms with it one day, but right now, I just wish that it hadn't happened. I lost some of the best years of my life to forgetting what makes me happy. The worst part was that I was okay with it for the most part. It sickens me, angers me, makes me feel that I was lazy with my life and was just cool with letting my dreams evaporate. And yeah, it's great to be able to fit in clothes that I haven't worn in 5 years, but it's kind of a bittersweet achievement.

I can see it in my mother's eyes, she is concerned, because I had a bit of an issue with an eating disorder in high school. She thinks I'm back at it again, but that couldn't be further from the truth. I hate being hungry, and have absolutely no idea how I managed that years ago. But I really don't know how to explain it--I dropped about 10 pounds when I got my wisdom teeth out, but it just kept falling off me. I did change the way I eat, but not really consciously. Tommy moved out and I found that my grocery loads were vastly different. Also, money issues made it imperative that I eat cheaply, which meant I didn't go out to eat at all, all summer. I'm eating the way I've always wanted to eat. It's what I would have been eating if I hadn't tied myself to people for the last five years. I was making jumps and taking risks and living life on my toes, which seems to be my true nature. I felt better about my life, and somehow that all translated into looking like I did back when I was happy. It involved virtually no exercise.

Man, that was supposed to be the bright side. It is a bright side, but I don't like thinking about it right now. It'd be easier if I didn't keep running into people who remind me of how much of a mess I used to be.

My burgeoning mental state will likely catch up with me soon. Probably the weekend of my sister's wedding. After that, the climate will remember that it is dyslexic and go back to sweltering, and I can go back to remembering exactly why I'm here; I seem to have forgotten. Or maybe I won't remember. Maybe I just need to leave soon. I hear Oregon is fantastic.