Flonk

I have been in something of a flonk lately. It's not a funk, it's not sadness, turmoil, etc. So I invented a word for it. Flonk.

Flonk: noun. State of mind in which a person so strongly feels they will fail, that they consider not trying any harder to prevent said failure.

At the office, I continue to think of playing in dirt, writing short fiction and watching things grow. As I edit, I have to think of a million things at once: word limits, order, flow, art, fact-checking. No room for daydreams, really. Somehow, I fit it in.

My brain is torn in so many directions, I forget things. So in my spare time, I end up making lists. The second I sit down to write something for me, I feel guilty because there is so much to do. I've exhausted almost every organizational method I have; I take home that giant desk calendar every weekend and try to come up with alternate methods of dealing with this mass of information. Nothing sticks.

I half want to push myself harder, to prove to myself and whoever else is in the newsroom, that I can beat the shit out of this job. That's the part of me who wants to get better at whatever endeavor I come across; the go-getter. The other half of me sees my lonely cat and my lonely counterpart, my dirty living room (a specific kind of non-mess that comes from never being home), and thinks that I don't exactly have the 100% to give to this job.

I never come home with the feeling that I've done a good job, or the best that I could do. I simply don't know enough about the format or the business to know if my judgement is valid. Does it REALLY look good? It can never look good enough. Compliments make no difference.

Even Though I Haven't Seen You In Years

It's occurred to me that I've somewhat accomplished what this blog was created to do. I still wanna write in it, because it seems to have helped.

I could always use help.

Tendencies

Run around with a dog, who just wants to run, and there's this urge to let your tongue flap out in the wind to drool everywhere with a stupid, happy grin on your fuzzy dog face. True story.