Break Me To Small Parts

Once upon a time, I did something bad. I guess it wasn't THAT bad, since I was only 20 when it happened. On some level, no one should be held accountable for things they do from ages 19-21. I hurt someone, repeatedly. I hurt a lot of people repeatedly. Then, I proceeded to get so drunk, I forgot about it. Self-induced amnesia.

Last week, the brain damage evaporated as I was put in a situation where I came face-to-face, one-on-one with the one I hurt the most. I never really totally forgot about him, because he haunted me the whole time. I'd see people around Baton Rouge who looked like him, all of them bartenders, even though he didn't live here anymore. His ghosts and doppelgangers stalked me the harder I tried to forget, and my dreams were far more forgiving than reality. I tortured myself about it for years.

He got me in a corner last week. He seemed to thoroughly enjoy the way I kept trying to duck his questions and cover myself with a pillow. I was shaking, and still stunned that he even wanted to talk to me, much less invite me over. He wanted specifics, and he grinned while I stumbled over my words.

I had no specifics. I said I was a little girl the last time I saw him, in Connecticut around this time in 2006. I told him about his doppelgangers and how much I'd wanted to apologize since then. In fact, I said "I'm sorry" more that night than I have in my entire life. My conscience clearly had some cleaning up to do.

He said he was fine, and he looked like he was, albeit a little confused. He seemed unable to understand why I felt so bad about the end of our relationship. When I told him I had no words, he didn't believe me; said I always had words. I usually do. I am rarely speechless. Kept saying it over and over, because all the words I'd repeated in my dreams and thoughts for four years somehow weren't going to cut it in that situation.

The only ones that would cut it ended up being a stuttered, mumbled forgive me. forgive me. forgive me. forgive me. I need you to forgive me.